Writing

Captain Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III is a hero for two reasons – he not only landed an Airbus A320 in New York’s Hudson River, he also wrote thank you notes to over 200 plaintiff attorneys who swam out to help during the rescue effort.

I’m on the Internet all the time. God, I love the Internet. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure what I did before the Internet. I think I had a family.

Internet searches always start with the best intentions – I need some undershirts. Four hours later I’m like, “I wonder what Irkle is doing these days? Better do some research because I’m starting to miss black Gilligan.”

A US Airways flight had to be grounded after a naked passenger refused to put his clothes back on. The passengers and flight crew banded together and yelled, “We have f*ckin’ had it with the f*ckin’ snake on this plane!”

Is breast feeding in public wrong? Not if I’m hungry.

I refused to give some homeless transvestite any money because I knew he would just spend it on more mascara.

Our culture is getting a lot less civil. The other day some woman burned my chest with hot wax, slapped me in the face and yelled, “Lick my boots you pathetic wimp.” I was like, “God I love town hall meetings.”

George Sodini shocked the world by shooting up an LA Fitness in Pittsburgh because sources say he hadn’t been with a woman since 1984. Sad on many levels. Even sadder on a more practical level because he was a fairly normal looking guy; and your average drunk woman will usually bone a gravedigger with braces and bitch tits. She will but enough about my first summer job.

Disco balls play a very important and festive role in modern society. They’re gay mistletoe.

I haven’t had that many sexual partners. ‘Cause a lot of times the woman gets all pissed off when you show up in her bedroom and you bring a buddy along.

Chastity Bono called Cher and said, “Mom, I’m going to see a surgeon for a minor transgender procedure.” Cher was like, “Great. I totally support you Chaz. And I’m more than happy to pay for the circumcision.”

The Jonas Brothers set a great example for the kids of today. They’re Foghat for virgins.

Registering to vote is really easy. All you do is burn a doobie then spend about 5 hours filling out a bunch of forms for ACORN.

Members of Congress can do whatever they want with our tax money. Pretty soon Barney Frank will have a public men’s room added to his Georgetown residence just in case he wants to do a little speed dating.

Americans are strongly divided regarding their position on advanced interrogation techniques. My position is to place both feet shoulder width apart with knees slightly bent so I get better leverage when dousing the perp.

I’m convinced the delivery staff of UPS is on crystal meth. Because nowadays all they do is knock and run. I heard a boom, boom, boom on the door. Followed by the creepy pitter patter of Leprechaun boots. I was seriously scared to open the door. I was like, “Will I be picking up a package or stomping out a lit bag of dog shit?”

I was somewhat of a discipline problem in the 9th grade. The headmaster called me into his office and said, “Rumor has it Sarah Martin snuck over to your house on Saturday night where she met you and Greg for a gang bang.” I was like, “Since when is two considered a gang?”

I finally figured out what makes Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ relationship work. Katie Holmes is a dead-ringer for the lead singer of Fall Out Boy.

My mom was a Kung Fu master schooled in the ancient art of the bitch slap. Ruling the house with an iron fist. Shovel-kicking me like Ike Turner after four bottles of Mad Dog. That’s why the first time I saw the movie “Roots” I was like, “Finally, they’re telling my story.”

Old Spice has a brand of deodorant called Old Spice Professional Strength. I gather this is for professional odor makers like plumbers and undertakers.

I went to some jock school in the tenth grade where I was at the top of the class so I got suspicious and left.

I have healthcare and a cancer rider for my dogs because I think it’s important to project my hypochondria onto the animal kingdom.

The story of Siegfried & Roy is a classic example of why people should be careful around their pets. In one fell swoop a tiger bit Roy’s throat and severed Siegfried’s penis.

Fatherhood creates way too many changes. A few years ago I had to change names, addresses and phone numbers. Really confused everybody at Rotary.

My mom has been celibate since the Carter Administration. And for some reason she’s bitter and resentful about any of her friends who happen to be sexually active. I once complimented one of her buddies by saying, “Mrs. Gaines is looking incredible.” Her only response was, “Yeah, but she humps.” I was like, “No kidding. My lower back is killing me.”

I’m trying to become less of a control freak and it freaks me out I can’t control it. The Food Network wouldn’t give me a show because I wanted to call it “Get The F*ck Out Of My Kitchen.”

I’m glad pest control companies are phasing out vehicles with giant bugs on the roof. That was never very reassuring. Sorta like reporting a domestic violence incident and the cop shows up with some knucklehead in a wife-beater stuck on the top of his squad car.

A lot of doctors are running out of money. Some physician came to my garage sale and was thinking about buying an old sofa. He goes, “I don’t have two hundred dollars. Say, why don’t I give you a few bottles of wine and 3 gold coins instead?” To which I replied, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind if I ever decide to become a pirate.”

We shouldn’t take it personally when Mexicans don’t want to learn English. They don’t want to learn French either.

Women who decide to have or adopt 14 kids should be forced to breast feed every one of them until they’re 45.

We need more stringent leash and pick up laws when it comes to dogs in America because the side walks are starting to look like somebody fed prunes to a herd of epileptic Kangaroos.

The Board of Health doesn’t allow dogs in restaurants because they say it’s a public health hazard. Yet they allow food to be served in strips clubs. ‘Cause when I think of hygiene the first image that comes to mind is a sweaty prostitute doing Twister moves over my buffalo wings. I was at a bachelor party and the waitress goes, “You haven’t even touched your hot wings.” “Yeah, that’s because Amber over there touched ‘em first.” I’m pretty sure that’s the main reason why strippers gyrate so much. It’s not all the coke and crystal meth; a lot of them have hot wing sauce stuck on their biscuits.